Reposted!

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/Sexgenderbody/~3/m6XqXhLdif4/getting-down-dirty-your-dating-values

Spring Fever

I’m in Minneapolis where spring fever has totally hit.  All over the blogosphere, things are quieting down…I’m losing my interest in Facebook because I want to sit outside and ride bikes with friends.

Another thing that comes with spring fever is spring fever– that sexy time when we all start running around in tank tops and rolled up jeans (i call them shants), having impromptu bonfires and dance parties, and maybe getting our make out on.

So in honor of spring, I remind you of my favorite zine about consent, and two videos made by the Sexual Violence Center here in Minneapolis (I have a pal who works there and a few pals who volunteer there) about sexual violence prevention.

Please be good to yourselves and one another!

[cross posted to Radical Queer News]

a link

Last time I posted a link, people seemed down… so here I am.  I helped brainstorm this awesome post from the Sartorial Butch, so I figured it wouldn’t be too cheap (or self-promotive) to post a link to it.

Enjoy…and join in the conversation!

We, the writers of the Dating Algorithm, have a bunch of posts brewing for you.  Spring is coming in Minneapolis, and that means dating!

linkage and a thought

This post at Queer Fat Femme is amazing.

In sum, this is a call to those out there who are using the generalized “I don’t date Femmes” as an excuse for whatever is going on that makes you want to run away or never give Femmes a chance, here are some things to think about instead of blaming it on Femme:

1. If you’re not into someone, try just saying “I’m not feeling chemistry for you.”
2. If you’re not feeling emotionally available, try doing the work you need to do on you BEFORE you start dating.
3. Recognize that dating someone who is more like you (for example, when you are a genderqueer who only dates genderqueers) is sometimes a default to what is easy and familiar. A doppelbanger.
4. Femmes are not all “high maintenance” –I challenge you to redefine what you mean by “high maintenance” and put words to the ways in which you find someone’s relationship needs hard for you.

Read the whole thing!

My thought: don’t let people stop you from doing what you want to do.  Even if you think you’re going to see someone you’re avoiding, just go on and be fabulous.  Like my pal Lovin says… Everything is already awesome.

great song– listen to the lyrics.

give us your questions

You don’t have to live in Minneapolis– it’s just the email address.  Ask us anything– we’ll put a couple of our heads together and tell you what we think.

don’t postpone joy.

One of my dear friends introduced me to astrobarry. That friend is also a writer on this blog, and I know she’ll be down w/ seeing astrobarry get some love from us.
This week, part of my horoscope says but erring too far on the side of restraint, at the cost of even moderate amounts of pleasure-seeking possibilities, leaves a long expanse of waiting to live your life until one far-in-the-future day when logic finally permits a moment’s joy—a day which may never come.

Oh astrobarry, how are you inside my head? Are you just that good?

You see, I’m that person who lives in the future in such a way that I miss out on good stuff in the present. See, my economic choices aren’t the only nervous, protected side of my personality–generally, I live life with the excuse that I’ll Do It Later. Lately, I’ve started doing things now–for instance, I quit smoking about 8 weeks ago, and that’s brought me a lot of joy right now, both emotionally, physically, and economically. I have saved over $400, and feel good emotionally and physically. But when it comes to dating? I’ll do it later.

How can I stop postponing joy while still respecting the boundaries of others? What does Rob Brezny have to say about it?

“Hey Rob: I was having trouble finishing my novel — typical writer’s block. So I sidetracked myself into making silly creative projects — papier-mache chickens, masks made out of junk mail, collages incorporating bottle caps and dryer lint. I can’t say any of it is ‘art,’ but I feel creative again and my house is full of colorful stuff I whipped up myself. If you wait to be perfect, I concluded, you’ll never make anything. I tried something I knew I’d be bad at, so failure didn’t matter. Now I’m branching out with my inadequacy — not waiting for Mr. Perfect but having a beer with Joe Flawed, forgetting to be right all the time, admitting that I haven’t a clue. I’ve become smilingly, brilliantly dumb. -Inappropriate Virgo.” Dear Inappropriate: Congrats! You’re doing exactly what I want to advise all Virgos everywhere to try.

Do I want to become smilingly, brilliantly dumb? Sort of. I think that might be really amazing for a little while. Admitting that I don’t have a clue is totally the first step for me manifesting my liberation in my life– not just when it comes to dating, but also when it comes to making decisions. Do I want to stay in my current job, do I want to move back east, do I want to apply to PhD programs? At different moments, the answer to each of those questions is yes.

Failure doesn’t matter…at least to me, right now, when I am honest with myself and the universe. I have so much to learn. All I can do is ask people honestly to help me learn.  By stating clearly what I want and need, I am respecting myself and respecting the boundaries of others.
If you want to know, ask.  If you want to do, ask.  Remember– if nothing else, you might make someone’s day by telling them how awesome you think they are.

lazy blogger posts link

i’m not really a lazy blogger, I’m just busy today and only have my fifteen minute break to share this with you. another writer here posted this on facebook and I figured this would be a good spot to share it.

The New Gay – I, Non-Monogamist

Check it out… I’d love to know what other people think.

Five Minneapolis Date Ideas: Random Shuffle Edition

Here are five random date ideas that will help you explore Minneapolis. Pick the one you like best and go find someone to ask out!

One: Vend-a-Wash Laundry Date Night

Feeling unproductive?  Need some more multi-tasking in your life?  Date night at Vend-A-Wash Laundromat will have your inner OCD nerd satisfied in no time.  First, gather up your laundry and head over to Chicago and Lake.  The conscientious workers here will carry the dirty goods from your car or bike trailer* into the ‘mat . Throw the laundry in and then head over to Los Ocampo (on the same block) or Midtown Global Market (across the street) for some food.  After dinner, get your quarters ready for the dry cycle AND the terrific jukebox back at Vend-A-Wash.  An awesome cover of “Islands in the Stream”** in Spanish awaits you.

Also on your must-see list: a giant 10-load washer big enough to fit 2 people inside!  Use any extra leftover quarters to buy your sweetie some temporary tattoos, dolphin stickers, or Homies figurines from the vending machines.

P.S. It is open 24 hours for late-night fun.

Two: Sky Pesher Sculpture Garden Visit

It took me three attempts this summer to locate this art installation at the Walker Sculpture Garden.  That’s because it’s not IN the sculpture garden; apparently it’s in the new expansion area on the side of the giant hill next to the art museum.  I finally located it only after watching a video that some dude posted of his trip to it – thank you, technology!  Bring your hottie at sunrise or twilight and prepare for an intense, intentional look at the sky.  The seats are heated for fall and winter viewing.  Sorta a clichéd date spot, but definitely worth a visit.

Three: Gandi Mahal Indian Restaurant

Ready for really good Tikka Masala, curries, and naan, strange mirror-y embroidered tablecloths, and excellent service? Then head to Gandhi Mahal over on East Lake. You and your date will get super-friendly servers, food made with locally-grown ingredients***, and enough left-overs to fuel you through your date-follow-up texts the next day.

Four: Breakfast at Seward Co-op

Maybe you and your date had a sleep-over the night before and now you’re groggily opening your eyes to the shining sun and your empty bachelor fridge.  Don’t get frustrated,  just head over to the Seward Co-op. No, I didn’t say Seward Cafe, I said Co-op. Forget all the haters who stopped shopping here just because they opened a new larger store****.  Just pick up some plates at the hot bar: very delicious and rich apple-pear french toast with melty brown sugar and crispy crumbles on top, yum tofu hash with special savoriness, and multiple kinds of breakfast quesadillas.  There’s also a juice bar that has coffee and tea and smoothies.  I recommend the lemon-ginger hot toddy for autumn mornings.  When the weather is nice, you can eat outside on the separate patio and say good morning to the Seward neighborhood.

Five: Witch’s Hat

Will the Prospect Park neighborhood even exist in 50 years?  Or will the U of M sprawl bull-doze along University all the way to St. Paul?  I don’t want to find out because on the top of the hill at the Witch’s Hat is the most awesome night-date spot for sky-line watching.  Bring your iPod and mini-speakers for an impromptu dance party with skyscraper backdrop.

P.S. It’s at the highest natural point in Minneapolis, so get ready for a few stairs.

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*And probably help you from the bus stop too, if that’s how you roll.

**Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, ‘member?

***When possible – hello, winter!

****Larger and better, in my opinion. Now they have free bike tools to use outside, extensive rain/butterfly gardens, and classroom space upstairs for community use.

Dates, Not Dating.

Until last week, I hadn’t asked anyone on a date since March 2006.

i would like to have dinner with you on friday.

Back in 2006, I sent this in an email, and luckily the receiver took it as an invitation and responded by asking where I’d like to have dinner, and it progressed from there. We were together for almost 3.5 years, and for a myriad of reasons as so many good things do, it recently came to an end.

This isn’t a post about break ups– especially the kind of post(s) that would be required to deconstruct a break up that took place after that amount of time, shared pets, a move across the country, etc…but this is a post about not being afraid to put what you want out into the world and articulate it. And it’s about it being okay to not get what you (think you) want.

I have a core group of friends here in Minneapolis who are amazing. And for the most part, we’re single. Sure, my roommate and her girlfriend have been together for years, and a couple of other friends are involved with each other, but generally right now, my friends are involved in low key entanglements or not entangled much at all. And so naturally, we sit around talking about dating and Ladies incessantly. That’s what we’ve been doing. And an important distinction we’ve made recently that we’re trying to spread is the difference between Dating and going on Dates.

Three Basic Rules

1. If you are going to ask someone out on a date, make sure it is clear that it is a Date.

“are you interested in going on a low key date with me? i’m laughing at how formal that sounds, but I want there to be no confusion about it– i’m straight up, old school asking you on a date.”¹

2. Be sure you know what you are doing– are your intentions for a Friend Date or a Date Date? And in general, are you looking to be Dating People or just go on Dates? The difference is that you can go on a Date with someone and enjoy their company, and do the things that people do on Dates (like eat delicious Indian food and catch a drag show at your local queer bar) but this doesn’t mean you are Dating them. Be clear in your communication and your expectations– and not just to the other person, but with yourself. Think about what you want before you go looking for it. For instance, my recent break up was at the end of July, so I’m not ready to be Dating, but I wouldn’t mind going on a Date with a cool person if I met one.

If you are the one being asked out, please refer to this amazing post from Queer Fat Femme, aka Bevin². Read it as many times as it takes to internalize it and share it with everyone you know!

3. If you are turned down, hopefully you’ll be turned down the way Bevin suggests– because I’ve been turned down that way, and honestly, it doesn’t hurt that much. Being told that asking made someone feel good, but that they’re not into it really did feel better. Honestly, folks. Don’t just go on a date w/ someone because they ask– only go if you want to go. Those of us socialized as women do things we think we’re supposed to do way too often–but that’s a whole other post.

And if your feelings are hurt, that’s okay too– because like everything, גם זה יעבור (this too shall pass).

¹Thank you for being rad to the person who actually received this message.

² Tip of the hat to Bevin for this life-changing post– I’ve already used a few of the lessons and shared it with EVERYONE I KNOW multiple times.

Uncomplicated Compliments

dear hott queer,

complimenting ladies¹ is a great skill to practice because it makes people feel awesome, is fairly low-risk, and most important – helps us experience empowering, assertive, positive interactions with others.

i like to practice this skill when i am out with my crew at dance parties because i LOVE queer dance parties. you may have other events or activities that you really like and that make you feel awesome. start with places at which you feel awesome and safe and then branch out from there.

the process i use to compliment ladies has five steps²:

1. identify the lady to be complimented. don’t just pick someone random. if no one is catching yr eye or seems interesting, then maybe tonight’s not the night to practice this skill. that’s fine. make sure you are sincere here and put good energy behind it – you actually have to think she’s hott. or smart. or an amazing chemist. or whatever.

2. think of what you want to tell her. yeah, it might come out wrong. but it’s good to have at least some idea of what you want to say.

3. plan how you want to communicate with the lady. if she’s on the dance floor, you might have to interrupt her dancing. i feel like that is acceptable. but if she’s talking to someone at a potluck, you’ll have to be more patient and wait until the timing is right³. now is the time to get psyched up. it’s totally fine if it takes you 5 or 10 minutes or even more to get mentally prepped. in the meantime, just relax and enjoy your crew. everything is amazing already anyway.

4. go do it.
just as an example, conversations usually go something like this:
hott lady:   (dancing)
you:   hi, excuse me.
you:   i just wanted to tell you that you’re super hott.
hott lady:   well, thank you. that’s sweet of you.
you:   i hope you have a great night!
hott lady:   you too. thanks!
hott lady:   (resumes dancing)

remember, you’re not trying to have a full conversation here. you’re just giving a short, yet important compliment.

ok, now for the final step. it seems stupid and new agey, but it’s really actually necessary, and sometimes, it can be hard to do⁴.

5. detach from the outcome. so i’m repeating: this is the most important step. DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING. you are not trying to get anything. all you wanted to do was tell this lady whatever compliment you wanted to tell her. that is all. if she wants to talk to you later, she will. don’t worry about it.

and that’s it. you’re done. you can rest secure in the fact that you just TO-TAL-LY made someone’s night. and perhaps even will be fodder for happy brunch discussions the next day. and you just helped increase the sexiness and good vibes in the queer community by a whole bunch. the universe is smiling upon you.

so, in actual practice, you might feel a little bit nervous or scared when you do this. that’s totally fine and normal. being real and honest and assertive is sometimes scary because we don’t get any training in how to do it and good role models are something we have to seek out, in most cases.

just do the best you can do and keep practicing!!! remember, you are a hott queer!

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1) i am using the term ladies here because that is usually the kind of person with whom i practice this skill. i would like to read a guide on approaches to take with people other than ladies, but unfortunately i don’t have a lot of experience in that area. if you do, pleeeease write something up and post it on the blog – we queers need your advice!!!
2) yours might have a different number of steps. or you might be complimenting people other than ladies. this is just a guide, of course.
3) or you might have other ways to communicate. like writing a note. or using ASL. or ringing your bike bell at her. or flaunting the hanky code.
4) just a heads up, zen warrior.

vocabulary

manifesting liberation: taking steps to create a liberated life as you picture it

radical honesty: there’s the Brad Blanton Radical Honesty, and then there’s the version I subscribe to (well, I’m working to be more radically honest) which is basically the same, only without having to buy someone’s books.

mutual aid: the economic concept of voluntary reciprocal exchange of resources and services for mutual benefit (for our purposes, it doesn’t have to be purely economic.)

casual dating: An interaction between two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises. Either or both parties can be casually dating other people.

Casual dating differs from friends with benefits, in that friends with benefits engage in sexual activity together with no commitments to one another other, whereas casual dating may or may not involve sex, but its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom.