Another thing that comes with spring fever is spring fever– that sexy time when we all start running around in tank tops and rolled up jeans (i call them shants), having impromptu bonfires and dance parties, and maybe getting our make out on.

So in honor of spring, I remind you of my favorite zine about consent, and two videos made by the Sexual Violence Center here in Minneapolis (I have a pal who works there and a few pals who volunteer there) about sexual violence prevention.

Please be good to yourselves and one another!

[cross posted to Radical Queer News]

Enjoy…and join in the conversation!

We, the writers of the Dating Algorithm, have a bunch of posts brewing for you.  Spring is coming in Minneapolis, and that means dating!

In sum, this is a call to those out there who are using the generalized “I don’t date Femmes” as an excuse for whatever is going on that makes you want to run away or never give Femmes a chance, here are some things to think about instead of blaming it on Femme:

1. If you’re not into someone, try just saying “I’m not feeling chemistry for you.”
2. If you’re not feeling emotionally available, try doing the work you need to do on you BEFORE you start dating.
3. Recognize that dating someone who is more like you (for example, when you are a genderqueer who only dates genderqueers) is sometimes a default to what is easy and familiar. A doppelbanger.
4. Femmes are not all “high maintenance” –I challenge you to redefine what you mean by “high maintenance” and put words to the ways in which you find someone’s relationship needs hard for you.

Read the whole thing!

My thought: don’t let people stop you from doing what you want to do.  Even if you think you’re going to see someone you’re avoiding, just go on and be fabulous.  Like my pal Lovin says… Everything is already awesome.

Oh astrobarry, how are you inside my head? Are you just that good?

You see, I’m that person who lives in the future in such a way that I miss out on good stuff in the present. See, my economic choices aren’t the only nervous, protected side of my personality–generally, I live life with the excuse that I’ll Do It Later. Lately, I’ve started doing things now–for instance, I quit smoking about 8 weeks ago, and that’s brought me a lot of joy right now, both emotionally, physically, and economically. I have saved over $400, and feel good emotionally and physically. But when it comes to dating? I’ll do it later.

How can I stop postponing joy while still respecting the boundaries of others? What does Rob Brezny have to say about it?

“Hey Rob: I was having trouble finishing my novel — typical writer’s block. So I sidetracked myself into making silly creative projects — papier-mache chickens, masks made out of junk mail, collages incorporating bottle caps and dryer lint. I can’t say any of it is ‘art,’ but I feel creative again and my house is full of colorful stuff I whipped up myself. If you wait to be perfect, I concluded, you’ll never make anything. I tried something I knew I’d be bad at, so failure didn’t matter. Now I’m branching out with my inadequacy — not waiting for Mr. Perfect but having a beer with Joe Flawed, forgetting to be right all the time, admitting that I haven’t a clue. I’ve become smilingly, brilliantly dumb. -Inappropriate Virgo.” Dear Inappropriate: Congrats! You’re doing exactly what I want to advise all Virgos everywhere to try.

Do I want to become smilingly, brilliantly dumb? Sort of. I think that might be really amazing for a little while. Admitting that I don’t have a clue is totally the first step for me manifesting my liberation in my life– not just when it comes to dating, but also when it comes to making decisions. Do I want to stay in my current job, do I want to move back east, do I want to apply to PhD programs? At different moments, the answer to each of those questions is yes.

Failure doesn’t matter…at least to me, right now, when I am honest with myself and the universe. I have so much to learn. All I can do is ask people honestly to help me learn.  By stating clearly what I want and need, I am respecting myself and respecting the boundaries of others.
If you want to know, ask.  If you want to do, ask.  Remember– if nothing else, you might make someone’s day by telling them how awesome you think they are.

The New Gay – I, Non-Monogamist

Check it out… I’d love to know what other people think.

One: Vend-a-Wash Laundry Date Night

Feeling unproductive?  Need some more multi-tasking in your life?  Date night at Vend-A-Wash Laundromat will have your inner OCD nerd satisfied in no time.  First, gather up your laundry and head over to Chicago and Lake.  The conscientious workers here will carry the dirty goods from your car or bike trailer* into the ‘mat . Throw the laundry in and then head over to Los Ocampo (on the same block) or Midtown Global Market (across the street) for some food.  After dinner, get your quarters ready for the dry cycle AND the terrific jukebox back at Vend-A-Wash.  An awesome cover of “Islands in the Stream”** in Spanish awaits you.

Also on your must-see list: a giant 10-load washer big enough to fit 2 people inside!  Use any extra leftover quarters to buy your sweetie some temporary tattoos, dolphin stickers, or Homies figurines from the vending machines.

P.S. It is open 24 hours for late-night fun.

Two: Sky Pesher Sculpture Garden Visit

It took me three attempts this summer to locate this art installation at the Walker Sculpture Garden.  That’s because it’s not IN the sculpture garden; apparently it’s in the new expansion area on the side of the giant hill next to the art museum.  I finally located it only after watching a video that some dude posted of his trip to it – thank you, technology!  Bring your hottie at sunrise or twilight and prepare for an intense, intentional look at the sky.  The seats are heated for fall and winter viewing.  Sorta a clichéd date spot, but definitely worth a visit.

Three: Gandi Mahal Indian Restaurant

Ready for really good Tikka Masala, curries, and naan, strange mirror-y embroidered tablecloths, and excellent service? Then head to Gandhi Mahal over on East Lake. You and your date will get super-friendly servers, food made with locally-grown ingredients***, and enough left-overs to fuel you through your date-follow-up texts the next day.

Four: Breakfast at Seward Co-op

Maybe you and your date had a sleep-over the night before and now you’re groggily opening your eyes to the shining sun and your empty bachelor fridge.  Don’t get frustrated,  just head over to the Seward Co-op. No, I didn’t say Seward Cafe, I said Co-op. Forget all the haters who stopped shopping here just because they opened a new larger store****.  Just pick up some plates at the hot bar: very delicious and rich apple-pear french toast with melty brown sugar and crispy crumbles on top, yum tofu hash with special savoriness, and multiple kinds of breakfast quesadillas.  There’s also a juice bar that has coffee and tea and smoothies.  I recommend the lemon-ginger hot toddy for autumn mornings.  When the weather is nice, you can eat outside on the separate patio and say good morning to the Seward neighborhood.

Five: Witch’s Hat

Will the Prospect Park neighborhood even exist in 50 years?  Or will the U of M sprawl bull-doze along University all the way to St. Paul?  I don’t want to find out because on the top of the hill at the Witch’s Hat is the most awesome night-date spot for sky-line watching.  Bring your iPod and mini-speakers for an impromptu dance party with skyscraper backdrop.

P.S. It’s at the highest natural point in Minneapolis, so get ready for a few stairs.

**Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, ‘member?

***When possible – hello, winter!

****Larger and better, in my opinion. Now they have free bike tools to use outside, extensive rain/butterfly gardens, and classroom space upstairs for community use.

i would like to have dinner with you on friday.

Back in 2006, I sent this in an email, and luckily the receiver took it as an invitation and responded by asking where I’d like to have dinner, and it progressed from there. We were together for almost 3.5 years, and for a myriad of reasons as so many good things do, it recently came to an end.

This isn’t a post about break ups– especially the kind of post(s) that would be required to deconstruct a break up that took place after that amount of time, shared pets, a move across the country, etc…but this is a post about not being afraid to put what you want out into the world and articulate it. And it’s about it being okay to not get what you (think you) want.

I have a core group of friends here in Minneapolis who are amazing. And for the most part, we’re single. Sure, my roommate and her girlfriend have been together for years, and a couple of other friends are involved with each other, but generally right now, my friends are involved in low key entanglements or not entangled much at all. And so naturally, we sit around talking about dating and Ladies incessantly. That’s what we’ve been doing. And an important distinction we’ve made recently that we’re trying to spread is the difference between Dating and going on Dates.

Three Basic Rules

1. If you are going to ask someone out on a date, make sure it is clear that it is a Date.

“are you interested in going on a low key date with me? i’m laughing at how formal that sounds, but I want there to be no confusion about it– i’m straight up, old school asking you on a date.”¹

2. Be sure you know what you are doing– are your intentions for a Friend Date or a Date Date? And in general, are you looking to be Dating People or just go on Dates? The difference is that you can go on a Date with someone and enjoy their company, and do the things that people do on Dates (like eat delicious Indian food and catch a drag show at your local queer bar) but this doesn’t mean you are Dating them. Be clear in your communication and your expectations– and not just to the other person, but with yourself. Think about what you want before you go looking for it. For instance, my recent break up was at the end of July, so I’m not ready to be Dating, but I wouldn’t mind going on a Date with a cool person if I met one.

If you are the one being asked out, please refer to this amazing post from Queer Fat Femme, aka Bevin². Read it as many times as it takes to internalize it and share it with everyone you know!

3. If you are turned down, hopefully you’ll be turned down the way Bevin suggests– because I’ve been turned down that way, and honestly, it doesn’t hurt that much. Being told that asking made someone feel good, but that they’re not into it really did feel better. Honestly, folks. Don’t just go on a date w/ someone because they ask– only go if you want to go. Those of us socialized as women do things we think we’re supposed to do way too often–but that’s a whole other post.

And if your feelings are hurt, that’s okay too– because like everything, גם זה יעבור (this too shall pass).

¹Thank you for being rad to the person who actually received this message.

² Tip of the hat to Bevin for this life-changing post– I’ve already used a few of the lessons and shared it with EVERYONE I KNOW multiple times.